The Sopranos – Closed Captions – #16 – Toodle-fuckin-oo – Sopranoland – As Seen on E! True Hollywood Story
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Episode #16 Transcript
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©2000 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

(rowdy chatter) hey, Janet Jackson. Hi, Mr. Soprano. Where’s meadow? I give up. In the house? Tony. Billy, thanks for calling. Sure, as soon as I found out it was your mom’s place. O.D. His friend says special k and ecstasy. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Your kid’s alright, she’s a little drunk. In your grandmother’s house?! It wasn’t my fault. If I had a quarter for every time I heard that since you learned how to talk, I’d have a private jet on 24-hour standby. Get in the car. (Vomiting) in your grandmother’s house. Now, who’s repeating themself? You’re just lucky I knew that cop. So he cut me a favor. Let me guess, he owes you money?



(Car approaching) are you gonna tell me what she did? Go upstairs. No, I wanna see the fight. Anthony jr., Get your little ass up those stairs. Meadow… We can talk about it in the morning. Get down here! Let her go to bed. Let her go to bed?! I want her to answer for herself! She’s drunk! Was she driving like this? I could have taken ecstasy but I didn’t! (Anthony jr.) Don’t puke on the floor! What are you doing up? Go to bed! She fools around with ecstasy and you yell at me? Get up there! So, what did she have to say for herself? The usual shit, “wasn’t my fault.” There was designer drugs there, Tony. So, what did you say? I don’t know, I yelled. What the fuck else am I gonna do?

You sure you’re gonna be alright, uncle rich? I wanna walk. See if I run into any of the old crowd. Thanks, doll.

Motherfucker. There has to be consequences. What kind of parents would we be if we let her get away with this? Typical. Plenty of parents still crack the whip. Yeah, that’s what they tell you. I cannot wait until she goes off to college. Oh, right, so you can be fucked up with the empty nest syndrome, and go on Wellbutrin like your sister. As a parent today, you are over a barrel no matter what you do. You take away the car, you become her chauffeurs. You ground her, you gotta stay home weekends and be prison guards. We could throw her out, but social services would bring her back, and then we’d be in front of the judge, she’s not 18 yet. That’s your solution, to throw your daughter out? All I’m saying, with the laws today, you can’t even restrain your kid physically, ’cause she can sue you for child abuse. There has to be consequences. And, there will be, I hear you, okay? Let’s not over-play our hand. ‘Cause if she finds out we’re powerless, we’re fucked.

Jesus, mother of Christ! Richie, so, when’d you get out? How come nobody told me? Well, it’s funny. Paulie walnuts told me he ran into you this morning. Hey, honest to fucking god, nobody said a word. Just shut the fuck up. I did a lot of meditation in the can on this. You can’t believe how clear you can see things. Do you ever meditate? Me, meditate? Are you crazy? Not as crazy as I used to be. But still crazy enough to take an eye out. What’s going on here, rich? Ten years, and not even a pleasant “go fuck yourself”, from you I get. I always asked how you were doing. Hold on there, you. How could you let my dear friend sit here with an empty cup of coffee? That’s alright, take it easy, kid. Bring this gentleman a nice veal ‘parm sandwich. And hurry the fuck up about it. The other two stores doing as good as this? Come on, you know it’s a grind. That doesn’t answer my question. Hey, look, rich, I know you’re a made guy. So, I lose either way. I always respected you and your brother Jackie. I’m no victim here. I’m not some greaseball store owner. I’m sorry, Richie, I will not be shaken down. Sucking up to Tony soprano has done wonders for you. I go away for a while, I come back, you’re a tough guy. Don’t do this. Don’t do what? Take what’s owed to me? What’s owed to you? I put you in action, beansie. You got a bad memory, beansie. Veal parmigiana sandwich… Fuck you. I’ll be back every Saturday, partner. I don’t fucking believe what I’m hearing here. I’m being shaken down for what? What did I do, tell me, what did I do? This is not right, Richie, I’m not gonna fucking lay down. I’ll step up. You won’t lay down, huh? You won’t lay down?! You piece of shit!




Alright, let’s get her down here. I guess. Where is the bride of frankenstein? She’s still sleeping. Yeah, alright, go wake her up. I wake her up? Yeah, I wanna get this shit out of the way before I go out. (Parvati) let her sleep, you guys are making too much of this. Oh, no, I don’t think we’re making enough. She was drunk. Her choice. There’s a Zuni saying: For every 20 wrongs a child does, ignore 19. There’s an old Italian saying: You fuck up once, lose two teeth. See? That’s what all this is about. Ego and control. I beg your pardon? No, please, please, don’t try to make sense with her. No, I wanna understand this. Go ahead, tell me. You want to hold onto control over a young woman whose entire biological determinism is to achieve independent thought and behavior. And because she’s exercised her independence, you wanna penalize her because you don’t agree with her choices. Why don’t you go and get a fuckin’ permanent?! I’m tryin’ to watch tv! Well. Good morning. Oh, I’m sorry, it’s afternoon. Mom, please. Please, what? You better have some answers, young lady. (Tony) yeah, that’s right. Okay, fine, you’re punished. For what, I didn’t do anything! You call what you did to grandma’s house nothin’?! It wasn’t my fault! It’s never your fault, meadow. It was just supposed to be me, hunter and the macaluso twins, and then Steve shows up with his asshole friend, Adam, and a bunch of people from booton. Oh, so, Steve’s just walking around trying doorknobs ’til he hits the jackpot? No, hunter goes and tells him. Oh, now with the hunter? And she’s over at her house blaming it all on meadow. It’s an old game. We’re under a lot of pressure, okay? You try studying day and night to get into college! We’ve been working hard, we deserved a night. Take it easy, take it easy. I’m sorry you’re under a lot of pressure, meadow. But, it’s still no excuse. So, who’s this ecstasy guy? I just told you, Adam. I don’t even know him, he just showed up with Steve. Is this the same Steve I know? The school newspaper kid you’re always with? He’s a flake. Why do you think I stopped hanging out with him? That’s news to me, you don’t hang out with Steve. It’s painful to talk about, okay? (Tony) well, you’re gonna get punished. Look, you guys, I know what I did was not okay. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I’m really not feeling good about myself, okay? And I think you should take away my discover card. You better believe it. That’s right. For two weeks. Three. How do I buy gas? Your allowance. I spent my allowance, and I already owe mom. The cashmina. We can wait on that. Alright, you get ten dollars a week, cash. No more. Until you get your card back… For gas.





Oh, oh, oh! Come here. Look at you, you look great. You’re all sinew! If you lost that baby fat, you’d disappoint me. Fuck you. Did ya get laid yet? Oh, god, I’m tryin’. Hey, I said four o’clock. What the fuck? I leave before the stock market closes, you scream at me for not watchin’ the phone. Meet richie Aprile. Jesus Christ, how you doin’? I gotta tell you, your brother jackie was like a fuckin’ god. A great leader. I heard a lot about you. Yeah, well, I heard a lot about you. That’s why I’m here. What do you mean? Out of respect for our friend here, I’m gonna talk nice. I ever hear you raise your hands to my niece again, next time you won’t see my face. You understand? Who told you I put my hand on her? Is this kid gettin’ jerky with me? Look, kid, I shouldn’t have to explain myself. I’m from the old school. You wanna raise your hands, you give her your last name. Then it’s none of my fucking business. Until then, you keep your hands in your pockets. We understand each other? Now get out of here. I wanna talk to Tony. Go on. He’s a good kid. Capable. Look, ton’, this is the thing. I wanna get my shy business back on its feet. I keep getting these calls– sil! Where the fuck are you goin’? I’ll talk to you later, richie. You wanna tell me what just happened? No more talking business with the skipper directly. Are you fuckin’ with me? You can talk to him, but not now. And never here.



Can you believe we drank a whole bottle of wine between the three of us? Thank god. Cheers. Cheers.

Outta here. Richie broke a chair over his head. Are you shittin’ me? Then he smacked beansie with the coffee pot and broke his cheekbone. Prick, I talked to him yesterday. He was all sweetness and lights. Already, this big brother shit is getting old. Yo, bright eyes… … Where ya goin’? Paolucc’, this isn’t the bing. What the fuck did I say? Hey, how have you been? Can’t complain. You look good. Where are your friends going? Tell them to come back, join us. No, they’re leaving. It’s my first time here, the veal is excellent. What, are we makin’ small talk now? Nice to see you. Yeah, you too. Toodle-oo. Not a bad ass. She had nice, pipe-fitter lips. No disrespect. Hey, what do I give a fuck? I hardly know her. You mean you would take the lips, over the tits? Trust me, my boy. There’s two things I’m good at. That’s pulling dents, and spottin’ good blow jobs. And that sweetie had world-class blow job lips. Am I right, skipper? Good or no? What the fuck do I know? Long time ago. Alright, she was good. Good, or great? Why the fuck are you bustin’ my balls?! It was a long time ago. I remember every blow job I ever got. How about you, you remember your first blow job? Yeah, of course. How long did it take for the guy to cum?! Did ya hear that? I said, you remember your first blow job, he said, “yeah.” I said, how long did it take for the guy to cum?



Toodle-fucking-oo? What the fuck was that? God, I couldn’t sleep all night, I was so embarrassed. What was so wrong with toodle-oo? It’s an accepted form of goodbye. That’s not the way I talk with patients. It wasn’t me, it was someone else. It was Jennifer. For whatever reason, at that moment, you felt safer showing him Jennifer, not doctor. I mean, what did you see at that table that made you wanna hide doctor? And who were you hiding from? I saw a patient that I never wanted to see again. That’s who I was hiding from, a patient. When you say, “see”, do you mean that as in see professionally, or just plain see? What’s the difference? There’s a big difference. If it was just a matter of plain, old, “see”, then you would have been the cordial doctor and said, goodnight. But, because he’s someone you didn’t wanna see professionally, you abandon the doctor facade, and adopted the Jennifer posture. Hence, “toodle-oo”. Okay, you’re almost there, elliot, but not quite. Young girls are not accountable for their behavior. I think toodle-oo was the action of a ditsy, young girl. I regressed into “the girl thing” to escape responsibility for abandoning a patient. He asked me for help. Look, I need you as a colleague, to tell me that I did the right thing. You gotta ask yourself why you became a psychiatrist in the first place. If it was only to help people to stop smoking or biting their nails, then, so be it. There’s nothing wrong with that. I had another patient who committed suicide because I was treating this man. Because I had to go on the lam. Treating patients from a motel room may not have been optimum, but you were still there for her, you were in phone contact. It would have been the same if you’d been on vacation. Did you say, “lam”?




(Yoga instructor) and lifting up into cobra… And, now, rising up into downward facing dog. Coming back down into cobra. And relaxing into child’s pose. Richie. Janice, you know, I thought that was you. Parvati. Huh? I changed my name to parvati in ’78. I thought you lived in California now. Seattle, actually, last couple of years. So, how long you been… Out of jail? One week. That’s where I picked up this yoga shit. Well, it’s working for you, you seem very supple. I do a lotta stretching. So, you back now? My mom’s at St. Erasmus, a stroke. I’m sorry to hear that. Tony didn’t say anything about it. I guess we’re all getting a little older. Only if that’s our choice.


You drag me all the way out to this place, I’m walkin’ through the food court, this fucking kid spilled fried rice all over me. Alright, take it easy. Keep your voice down. Let’s talk. How would you feel? You wrap up a dime, your crew evaporates, and you walk away from me like I got some catchy disease. Hey, I don’t talk business with anybody, don’t take it personal. A guy in my position is a government target. Why do you think we’re meetin’ in a fuckin’ mall? It feels disrespectful. That’s all I’m sayin’. I’m the guy who saved you from the hit parade. When did you ever step in for me?! You forget? When you and my kid brother stuck up feech lamanna’s card game? Get the fuck out of here. Feech was made before the electric light. If it wasn’t for me, you two kids woulda caught a vicious beatin’ to say the least. Richie, you know I love you. You’re like my big brother, okay? You’re gonna be taken care of. What was yours before you went away will be yours again. You just gotta give it some time. Jesus, Anthony, you’d do that for me? Hey, fuck you. What’s mine is not yours to give me. Hey, prick, you reached out to me. I said what I wanted to say. We got a problem, kid? I’m just trying to get you to slow the fuck down, okay? Things are different now. You gotta be extra, extra careful. When do you know me not to be careful? When? How about, you been out of the can ten fucking minutes, already, you’re trying to shake down beansie for a piece of his pizza joints. Do me a favor, back off, he’s a good earner. Yeah, for you. Hey, that’s none of your fucking cazzis. Those pizza joints are strictly a cash business. They come in handy. He’s a sneaky cocksucker. Whatever, back off. Are you takin’ the side of a civilian over me? Jesus fuckin’ Christ, richie, I’m askin’ you to do me a favor. If you wanna do it, do it, if you don’t, go fuck yourself. Oh, yeah? Yeah. How’s your sister? Hey, there’s no need for that kinda talk. What? My sister. Janice, how’s she doing? Oh, I thought you were baitin’ me. How’s your sister, fuck your mother. No.





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