The Sopranos – Closed Captions – #18 – Big Girls Don’t Cry – Sopranoland – As Seen on E! True Hollywood Story
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Episode #18 Transcript
Big Girls Don’t Cry
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©1999 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

You miss your first session, they won’t refund my money. I forgot I gotta take care of this first. Here he is. How’s it goin’, buddy? Don’t you own a fuckin’ mirror? You look like you been French kissing the Pillsbury dough boy. Alright, c’mon, what do you got for me, man? What the fuck, Dominic? It’s half. Three fuckin’ weeks in a row now. Business slow! We tell you! We pay security, what for? Kid break window, you do nothing! We pay no more! What’d she fuckin’ say? Nothing, don’t listen to her. C’mon, honey, let’s go. Honey, out front. C’mon. Now! Fucking bitch. You got money for blow, but not for us? Chris, please, I’m sorry– “business slow.” Half the fucking neighborhood’s out there waiting for blow jobs. You drug addict motherfucker. This shit’s unacceptable.


How’s everything? How you doin’, hon? (Laughing) third time this week, artie. You can’t turn down a four-top. You’re done already? About time you came back. I was about to start on your drapes. What the fuck is that? Quail, ala’ bucco. Baby quail stuffed with fennel sausage. Can I get aids from eating this? Hey, artie, didn’t i see this guy in the park this morning takin’ a shit on a statue? Jesus christ, I’m tryin’ something new. Hey, broaden your horizons. Forget this fancy shit, you know what you need here? Top-notch mozzarella’ maker. Like that kid from the other side. The best fuckin’ cheese you ever had. The best. They get the real milk. Seriously, this kid, all he does 24 hours a day he makes buffalo mozzarella’. He’s a master cheese maker. So’s paulie. Oh, yeah, alright, alright. Arthur, the bank! Enjoy. I’ll catch you later. You better run. Why don’t she go to the bank? Swing by after she takes her broom for an oil change. I’ll be right back. Good wine, no? Delicious. Artie. You know that guy I was talkin’ about over there with the cheese? He’s my cousin. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I haven’t told anybody yet, but he’s coming over. I thought maybe you can hire him, you know, help me out with the immigration. Kitchen’s pretty packed, tony. I can barely pay myself. Did I ask you to pay him? I’ll take care of the money. Why’s he want to come in here if he’s already got a job over there? You know what, either do me the favor or not. Third grade on up, you needed something, I was there, no questions. Does he at least know his ass from his schamozz’?



The actor is the instrument for conveying ideas. During the next… This is “acting for writers”? And your first assignment is to act like a writer who gets here on time. Sorry. The tunnel. As writers, you’ll find it enormously helpful to walk a mile in the actor’s shoes. Imagine being an architect who’s never lifted a stone. Over the next few weeks, we’ll focus on improv and scene study. Why don’t we begin by introducing ourselves? What your experience is, where you’re from… Mitch mcdermott. Born and raised in hartsdale, but please, don’t hold that against me. B.A. In english lit from ithaca, I’ve written a few specs, haven’t actually sold anything yet. Right now I’m on the sales team down at chick brauer porsche/audi. Great, welcome. My name is chris maceveety. I work on wall street. Not on wall street, but you know, stocks. You write? Yeah… I want to write for the movies. “Goodfellas”, shit like that. Any special reason you chose this class? I didn’t. It’s a birthday present from my girlfriend. I had some problems with my screenplay so, I bought that book, “how to write a movie in 21 days”. That was like a year ago. Well, I can’t guarantee you’ll write any faster, but hopefully you’ll learn a few things. My name is cynthia weller. I was born in savanna, but my family moved to hempstead when i was five.



(Female reporter) despite corrado soprano’s recent medical furlough from jail, where he was awaiting trial, sources in the U.S. Attorney’s office indicate that nephew Anthony soprano probably remains the de facto boss of the north jersey mob. Soprano, seen here in an FBI surveillance photo, with family associate salvatore “big pussy” Bompensiero, was believed to be the target of a botched murder attempt last year Jesus fuckin’ Christ. How come every piss I take is a fuckin’ news story?

Oh. Let’s walk. I had coffee with your friend from the railroad. Sounds like mag and custom wheels. Could be sweet. I need you to head out to Newark for me. Airport? Al italia. Friend of ours is coming in. Who, mauro zucca’s wife? No, furio. Furio? Coming here? What, to see what indoor plumbing looks like? I’m making some changes. Well, thanks for fuckin’ tellin’ me. When was this decided? I do something wrong? Sunday, my house, box of mallomars on the counter? Fuckin’ empty. You think I don’t know it was you? I’m kiddin’, you fuck. Listen, him coming over is good, you’re gettin’ a bump. Fuckin’ mallomars, I thought you lost your mind. Listen, the way things are, I gotta step back. Feds find an excuse, I’ll do a dime for jaywalking. Not like the old days. Furio being here, frees you up, frees me up. It’s me, then you and Sil together. That’s the new pecking order. What about puss’? Pussy reports to you guys… Directly. Same with furio. This means a lot to me, T.



It was a downpour. He couldn’t see anything. It was impossible. Where are you in the dream? I’m there. I could observe everything. He’s driving, he starts to hyperventilate. He grabs for a bottle of prozac, but it’s empty. And all the while this is happening that song from “the wizard of oz” is playing. “Over the rainbow”. No, that other one, you’re out of the woods, you’re out of the woods they’re in the poppy field. Get into the sun that one. Anyway, he goes into a full blown panic attack and he passes out. (Crashing sound) he crashes into this huge truck. Out of the woods. The fact that he can’t see the road ahead suggests my abandoning him. Who in “wizard” would your patient be? Given the fact that he’s a powerful dominating male… Oz himself. What, elliot, with the eyebrows already. “The wizard of oz”, what memories does it conjure up? My parents’ house, watching it on TV. Hiding under the blanket with my sister. I’m gaining weight. Why do we love roller coasters, Jennifer? Scary movies? To experience the thrill of being terrified without the consequences. That’s very good, elliot. Great film, but some terrifying moments. That’s very perceptive… I’m concerned that treating a mobster provides you some vicarious thrill. It wasn’t exactly vicarious. I had to go into hiding, remember? And wasn’t that thrilling? Fuck you! You think this is funny?! You smug cocksucker! Fuck you! (Door closing)



(phone) hello. Who’s this? She’s not here right now. This is her brother. No. Yeah, that’s my mother’s house. On the what? Yeah, I’ll give her the fuckin’ message. That fuckin’ bitch. What’s the matter? It’s a bank. She’s trying to take out a loan on my mother’s house. Parvati? Janice. Her name is fuckin’ Janice, okay! She gave ’em the wrong social security number or something! Alright, Tony, calm down. It’s not enough that she’s livin’ rent free, she’s gotta try to squeeze money out of the fuckin’ house too! Fucking goddamn fucking bitch! Goddamn it, Tony! What did I say, AJ? Go get dressed. I’m sorry. Why don’t you grow the fuck up? I forgot to tell you I got a job with radio shack. Product testing. Giving that phone an “F” for durability.



Janice, it’s me, open the door! What the fuck are you doin’ here? Where’s my sister? The store. I’m making breakfast, you want some eggs? Do I want some eggs? Why don’t you put your fuckin’ pants on? Let’s have some coffee. So, what the fuck, rich? The mattress at the shelter a little too lumpy? We’re adults, Tony. We got history together. Yeah. Israel and fuckin’ Palestine. People change. I was away a long time. I thought a lot about her. Ten years, you thought about Janice? There are men in the can better looking than my sister. To each his own, Tony. Each his own. I hope you’re not thinkin’ about movin’ in here. It was late, I slept over. We’re taking it slow, okay? Pickin’ up where we left off. High school. Grabbin’ blow jobs on my mother’s couch. You crossed the line on me once, Anthony, and I held my tongue. She may be your sister, but back the fuck off. All due respect. Respect? What the fuck do you know about respect? I put you back in business, you cocksucker. Did you go see beansie? Fuckin’ paraplegic. Why don’t you make him some fuckin’ eggs? Hello? Hey, I thought that was your car– where do you get the balls to take a loan on this house? What? You heard me! What is it, his fuckin’ idea? Like you could pay it the fuck back! I’m quite capable of getting a job, Tony. Yeah, with your carpel tunnel syndrome? How you gonna hold a beggar’s cup? I never begged a day in my life. Oh, you’re right. Fake disabilities don’t count. I applied for the loan simply because I’m trying to make this place habitable for ma. Oh. I’ll take care of the loan. Don’t worry about it, I’ll give you the money. Oh, look at this. Ozzie and fuckin’ Harriet here. That’s beautiful. Stay as long as you like, rich. She’s your fuckin’ problem now.



This is a no-stopping zone, ma’am. The sign’s right over there. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see it. I left my glasses at home. It says here you’re required to wear them for driving. Now, into this mix comes Brenda’s husband, Omar, who’s just leaving the market with a bag of oranges. What’s the trouble here, officer? Your wife’s getting a ticket. Maybe I can change your mind. Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? You’re dropping your fuckin’ oranges. Very good, Chris, great improv. There we have it. Listen. Any questions? Okay, then, let’s see what the pros have to teach us. For next time. Phil and Joanne… Scene two, “barefoot in the park”. Chris, Mitch and Cynthia… Scenes six and seven, “the glass menagerie”. Chris, you are the gentleman caller. Okay. Bob and Amy… (Chattering)



Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat, baby the breast milk, little each eye. Nobody tells me nothing. Who’s the zip anyway? He’s a friend of ours. We’ll talk later. What’s the matter? Nothin’. Come here. You having a good time? The food’s good, right? Your home… This is spectacular. The television, the… The… Satellite. The AMC. “Two women” is on. La loren. We don’t even show this in Italy. Nobody care. Tell ’em what your favorite TV program is. (Italian) the P.D. Blue. Garden state’s a freakin’ parking lot. Oh, look who it is. Christopher. How you doing, man? What the hell are you doin’ here? I come, Tony make a party for me. Hey, furio, come here a second. I want you to meet somebody. Scusa. What the fuck? He’s on vacation? Yeah, he saw a travel poster for sunny new jersey. He’s with us now? Mmm. Guess I didn’t get the memo. Would you’ve read it if you got one? Where the fuck you been anyway? Did you talk to that guy down at the tanning salon? He only had half. Again? Ask me, it’s that Chinese cunt he’s married to. Bad influence. She’s a Filipino. I wasn’t sure what you wanted. I want you to send him a past-due notice, what the fuck do you think I want? Alright, I’ll take care of it. You know what, leave it alone. You sure? Yea (doorbell) Carmela. What do you want? I brought some cookies, the pignolis. Our relative from the other side is here, I should pay my resp–




“what did you say, about glass?” “Collection I said, I have one.” “Know what I judge to be the trouble with you? “Inferiority complex. “Know what that is? “That’s what they call it when someone low-rates himself. “For instance, “that clumping you thought was so awful in high school. “You gave up your education for a clump. A little physical defect is what you have.” Little physical defect? She’s a fuckin’ gimp, for chrissake. You were doin’ so good. It doesn’t make any sense. The guy’s a player and he’s trying to fuck this broad? Where does it say he is trying to fuck her, Christopher? Please. Maybe he is not. You ever think that’s why he’s the gentleman caller? Maybe he’s a gentleman. He’s a douchebag. So quit. I’m not gonna quit. I’ll just get a different scene. I like you as an actor. Joe pesci or something. “This is jericho, cell leader of the SOS. “Let it be known from this day forth that lawlessness will not be tolerated.” “Jimmy Hollywood”, c’mon.

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