The Sopranos – Closed Captions – #19 – The Happy Wanderer – Sopranoland – As Seen on E! True Hollywood Story
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Our undergrad student body at brown only numbers about 6,000 people. That’s from every state in this country and from over 60 countries in the world. Admission is extremely selective. So, again, get all of your academic and extracurricular ducks in a row. Leave nothing to chance. Hey, buddy. Davie. Saw your wife out there alone. I figured you for the trotters. Not tonight. Had a customer I couldn’t shake. Guy spends a half hour deciding between a $20 soccer ball and a $22 soccer ball. So, who do you like? I don’t know. That guy from bowden seems to be making some sense, I guess. No, I mean the game tonight. Whoa! You guys want to be alone? (David) I saw that refreshment table out there. I knew you’d be lurking around here somewhere. I don’t know how I always get roped into this shit. Charmaine’s no fool. She’s knows one of your shfooyadell in the right mouth and her daughter can go anywhere she wants to go. So far, the janitor’s the only one going near them. Well, that’s a nice career path for a young lady. Fuck you. I want to go get one of them belly bongs. Have I said fuck you yet? Freakin’ delicious, artie. Glad I didn’t eat tonight. Thanks, davie. It’s nice to be appreciated by your friends. Oh, the sensitive chef. Hey, Eric, they all done? Yeah, I guess. Um, dad, can I have 20 bucks? Are you like this? What, did you think he was coming over to say, “gee, dad, thanks for taking the time to come to this important event.” Ha, ha. How you doing, Eric? Pretty good, Mr. Soprano. You guys want something to eat? Ah, no, we’re going to starbucks. I hear you’re thinking of going to brown, right? Yeah, it’s a good school. Lot of star fucking, though. Hey, latrine lip… He’s right. This jamoke’ll go where ever his mother tells him. No different than his old man. You too. In our high school, these guys were like Joe namath and y.A. Tittle. Yeah, I’ve heard. And now, they’re like Phil donohue and Alan alda. Listen, uh… I heard through the grapevine that you’re taking over your uncle’s game. You know, the big one. Grapevine. Yeah. You know, if you listen close to that song, it says believe none of what you hear and a half of what you see. No, it’s just, you know me… I like to play a little. A little. Forget it. This game’s not for you. No, it’s just, you know, I was thinking it would be a kick. David. You’re a nice guy, I like you, okay. But trust me, this game’s not for you. I don’t want to see you get hurt. These guys, they play deep. You know how many jock straps I sold last week. Not enough for this game, okay. Forget it. C’mon. Let’s go see what the wayo from bucknell’s got to say.




Do you want to tell me what you’re thinking? Believe me, you don’t want to know. You want to know what I’m thinking. Seriously? I’m thinking I’d like to take a brick and smash your fucking face in a fucking hamburger. Okay. I’m not– don’t worry. I know I broke your coffee table and it’s not gonna happen again. You asked, I told. But you’d like to smash my face. Not really. It’s just the way of describing how I’m feeling. Do you think making hamburger out of me would make you feel better? Mother of Christ, is this a woman thing? You asked me how I’m feeling. I tell you how I’m feeling. And now, you’re gonna torture me with it. I don’t know who the fuck I’m angry at. I’m just angry, okay. Why the fuck am I here? I even asked to come back. I got the world by the balls and I can’t stop feeling like I’m a fucking loser. Who makes you feel like a loser, your mother? Oh, please, we wasted enough oxygen on that one. It’s everything and everybody. I see some guy walking down the street, you know, with a clear head. You know the type. He’s always fucking whistling like the happy fucking wanderer. I just want to go up to him and I just want to rip his throat open. I want to fucking grab him and pummel him right there for no reason. Why should I give a shit if a guy’s got a clear head? I should say “a salut”, good for you. Let’ get back to smashing my face. Jesus Christ. Oh! No, I think it all ties in. Alright. Sometimes I resent you making me a victim, that’s all. I make you feel like a victim. Yeah. Remember the first time I came here? I said the kind of man I admire is Gary cooper, the strong silent type. And how all Americans, all they’re doing is crying and confessing and complaining. A bunch of fucking pussies. Fuck ’em! And now, I’m one of them, a patient. Your parents made it impossible for you to experience joy. Yeah, see, there you go again. You said yourself you’re not the happy wanderer. Well, I’m more like one of those assholes than I am the fucking jerk offs and douchebags I see leaving this office.



Stop with the faces already, what do you got? Three eights full. Santa Maria, yes! Santa Maria. More like fucking Santa clause. Did you cut the pot? Twice. Here. Make sure you spend it in my restaurant, you prick. One chip. Ah, va’napola. He can’t even buy mcdonalds with that. No, no, that’s it, I got to go. Oh, c’mon, artie, another hour. I can’T. Charmaine’ll have my balls on the menu tomorrow. Cash me out. Look at all the money. Hey, rich, can I get another dime? We only got cheap players left. So, what, vito’s up for it, right? Where the fuck do I got to be? Only… Let’s up the anti. Are you sure? You’re into me for seven g’s already. Is that all? I’ll make that back from vito in an hour. Count this chooch out another dime.

(Singing) You are sunlight and I’m moon join here brightening the sky with the flame of love (together) may us sunlight in moonlight well… We have our work cut out for us. Gudren? meadow. I’d like to talk to you for a second. It’s really sounding pretty good. I know you’re disappointed, but… It’s just when you try out for cabaret night, the form asked, what you want to do, and I checked off solo. You’re seniors. This is your last chance at cabaret. Gudren hasn’t had a solo in four years here. I’d like to give everybody a shot. Mrs. Gaetano, I was a sophomore when I did “spider woman”. Now, it’s important because of college and all.


Is he okay with this? Do I have a choice? Yeah, you got a choice. You can continue to run the game. You know I’m under fucking house arrest, you cute fuck. Then take the bite I give you and be happy. Either way, I’m having the executive game. You know, your father and me started that game over 30 years ago. We were talking one day about how the credit card companies, you know, they work their angle. They didn’t care what the fuck you bought as long as you didn’t pay all at once. They juice you to death. And you thank them for letting you have a card. You’d rather be juiced then pay all at once. That’s a certain kind of player. That’s why we call it the executive game. My brother, johnny, was one keen motherfucker. Oh, yeah, that’s why he left us with ceci beans. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Your father left livia with a fuckin’ package that could choke a fucking elephant. I got to tell you. She’s like a woman with a virginia ham under her arm. Crying the blues ’cause she has no bread. Please… They don’t make ’em like johnny. And keep in mind that he paid the freight for your uncle eckley. That was a major fucking nut. Who? Who the fuck is eckle? Forget it. Keep thinking you know everything. Some people are so far behind in the race that they actually believe they’re leading. Yeah, that’s cute. Who the fuck is eckle? Eckley, eckley. Let’s talk about something else. No, you opened this clam, my friend. Who is he? You don’t know him. It’s water under the bridge. Just know that me and your father looked out for him. He wanted for nothing. Fuck you, fuck eckle. I don’t got time for this shit. He was my younger brother. He was between me and your father in age. His name was eckley. Actually, ercoli, hercules. Named after my grandfather. What are you saying? I got another uncle? Sharp as a fucking cue ball. Yeah, I’m saying. Your father and me had a brother you didn’t know about. ‘Cause he was… He was different in those days. Mother and father didn’t even speak the language. They couldn’t take care of a kid like that. God bless your grandmother. She went to every charity home in this fucking state till she found one that she felt would take good care of him. What are you saying, he was retarded? Why don’t you go fuck yourself. He was slow. He was strong as a fucking bull, handsome like george raft. If it was today, they might have trained him to be a… Whatever or something. Get him a job. They didn’t understand these things back then. Jesus. What were we thinking? Unfucking believable. I remember my mother and my father arguing about– something, I don’t know. And, uh… She kept talking about my father’s feeble minded brother, but I always thought she meant you. What a kick in the balls. When did he die? Not long before your father. Past is the past, this is the present. Let’s talk about this game. What’s my end? I don’t know. Ten percent. 20. 15. Call your friends. Let them know the game’s happening.




Can I help you with something, sir? Yeah, I want to buy a boat with three propellers. What? Kid, you see me here every week. When are you gonna stop asking? Oh, rich. There a problem? No, I’m just breaking your kid’s balls. Like a pimp says to his ‘ho’s, keep ’em coming. Hey, rich. That envelope’s two c shy. I’ll catch up on it next week. It’s no problem. I just got caught a little off guard this month. You know, I took a second on the house, didn’t calculate into my budget. No biggie. No good, davie. It’s just a stutter step. Like I said, it’s no biggie. The difference gets tacked onto the principle. And you know that. Yeah, I understand. Don’t take this personally. But I don’t want to see your face at any of my games until you’re caught up. C’mon, rich, that’s not necessary. Kid, you think I started this life ten minutes ago? A guy hands you a light envelope, it’s just the beginning, nothing personal. Yeah, I know, but it’s just this week– I know. It’s just a stutter step.



(Christopher) what kind is that? Brazilian snapper. Is it fishy? It’s fish. You know what I mean. It’s for pizziola. Let me smell it. You want something or what? Yeah, give me some of that and enough for 15 people, 10 pounds of shrimp. It’s gonna be some serious money there. This is no nickel and dime shit. These motherfuckers could play for two days straight sometimes. Now, once you start work, you don’t go till the game breaks up and that fucking place looks like an operating room. You mean, we’re like cleaning guys. Oh, what the fuck are you doing? Something ain’t right. Fucking “a”. I just saw you put your finger on the scale. No, I didn’t. You pull that shit with the old ladies not with me, you fucking hump. I didn’t put my finger in the scale. I don’t believe this shit. Where are you going? Wrap that up. I got to weigh it. You got to what? You got to rob me. Yeah, you serve some booze, empty the ashtrays. Oh, oh, that reminds me. Whatever you d don’t engage silvio in conversation. He can be a sick fuck when he’s gambling. One night, he was down like 50 large. At some point he sneezes, fritzi says “salut”. Fritzi neste from hoboken? Yeah, you know him? No– then shut the fuck up and let me finish, alright. Anyway, fritzi says “salute”, silvio thinks he says something else, forget it. For the rest of the night, silvio’s blaming fritzi for his losing streak, the fucking nut. What do you think he said? Are you listening to me or what? He’s a fucking nut, who knows? Here. But I didn’t put my finger in no fucking scale. Put that shit in the trunk so it don’t stink up the car. Pay for the fish. This guy for real or what? What are we, fucking piss boys? C’mon, let’s get the fuck out of here.




We want the room with the stove and the refrigerator. The efficiencies have been booked to paying customers. Muovono. And the two rooms on the sides. We may be here for some days. You people are ruining this place. That’s your father fault. He made it a business deal. We want a lot of clean towels and the bathrooms fresh smelling. I should work for nothing. Guernica. You ever suck his dick? I make that beanie spin when I work his thing. Am I right? No bitch to me.


(Sirens) what are you here? What do you say? License and registration. How about if I give you one of these instead. I’m wearing a vest. Oh, yeah? If I shoot, it’s going in your brajol. You’re a real sick fuck, you know that? (Laughing) danny boy. How’s your family? Not bad, paulie. We had to move my father to another old folks home– hey, I got my own fucking problems. You’re a fucking hard on, you know that? How many times am I gonna fall for that? Here. Hey, listen, do me a favor, alright. Your friends, players or no, they don’t fuck with the tourists and the hotel guests, keep the noise down and no gunshots or we got to take the call. Yeah, yeah. Go play cops and robbers.


Make it four. Change coming. To you. Mike. Hey, mike! Matt. Tony wants you. Yeah, T. Tony. You got the macanudos? Yeah, you want one? Yeah, give one to me and one to dr. Fried. Alright. Alright, gentlemen, frank. Yeah, I’m in. Me too. Thanks. $400 to you, sil. What’s in the pot? About $2400. Too early to chase an inside straight. Doc. Call ’em. Macanudos, you want one? Go ahead, take a walk. Don’t let him scare you. He’s not really a nasty fuck. He’s an incredibly nasty fuck. Hey, chair boy of the board, read your fucking cards. $400 to you, john. Shakespeare straightening out. Paulie doesn’t have shit as usual. And the prick doctor may be flushing. Put the TV Trays out, one between two players. And put some of this shit on them. Don’t give anybody booze unless they ask for it, alright? Okay.


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