The Sopranos – Closed Captions – #20 – D-Girl – Sopranoland – As Seen on E! True Hollywood Story
What's New at Sopranoland
Sopranos Frequently Asked Questions
Sopranoland Giveaway
Sopranoland Movie Guide
Sopranoland Publicity
Shop the Sopranoland Mall
Sopranoland - The Sopranos Fan Mega Site

Sopranos Cast
The Sopranos Episode Guide
The Sopranos Episode Guide
The Goods
Sopranos Links

Episode #20 Transcript
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©1999 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

(honking) (female) oh, my god. (Male) what’d you freak out for? Holy shit.

Hey fac’, how you doing? How’s it goin’? How you doin’? Adriana, this is my cousin Gregory, the ambulance chaser. Nice to meet you. This is my fiancee, Amy safir. Pleasure, Christopher, to finally meet you in person. Greg’s always giving me updates on his new York cousin. We’re from jersey. My apologies, that’s the redeye talking. Your earrings are so excellent. Thank you. How was your flight? Fine, good. (Males in bar) drink, drink, drink! Morgan stanley’s night out. Christopher said you’re here shooting a movie. That must be so interesting. This is the first project I brought in to jon. Who’s jon? Jon favreau, she’s head of his development. I told you that. You told me tarrantino. I worked for quentin, he’s still a friend. Anyway, favreau snapped her right up. That movie he did, “swingers”. Vince vaughn is so cute. So christopher, how goes the screenplay? It’s one of the best i’ve ever read. Hey, easy, okay? What’s he like in person? Incredibly funny, smart, jon’s totally accessible. You guys should come visit the set. No, I meant vince vaughn. Great, great, a friend. So, when do we get to read this opus? I flushed it a long time ago. Remember what I told you on the phone? Mob theme stories are always hot. You should’ve learned to keep your mouth shut. What do you do, Adriana? Right now I’m in the food service industry. (Riana) christopher! You, get up. (Male) who, me? Hey bridge and tunnel boy, chill out. (Male) hey, guys, let’s go to tribeca grill. It’s cooler, it’s better. (Female) why are we leaving? (Male) just do it.



She seemed so down to earth for a hollywood person. What’s with those clothes? She in the fucking “adams family”? That’s prada! If I was greg, I wouldn’t allow it. Look at you, you look like a fucking woman, not a bellhop. Jon favreau, he’s great! He’s also a writer, you should show him your script. “Swingers”? He can suck my dick, that swings too. That acting class really rubbed you the wrong way. I love movies, but I just want to be a player. I don’t want to fuck around with all this other shit. So? Be a player. We’ll go to the set, she invited us! Slip him your script. That’s what they call it, slipping the script. Who knows… You know? Would it be so friggin’ horrible to attend a premier? I don’t even have the thing. I threw it away. What? You have a copy? Adriana, I told you, I’m not interested. I believe in you.


(Engine starting) it wasn’t my fault! You stole my car. Where’s the trust in this house? When I get confirmed i’m gonna be a man. So how come I can’t drive? You really want to get into this? Who was that man that we had to pick up at camp last year for bed wetting? That was the year before last. You could have killed those girls. That would’ve been interesting. What? What did you just say? Death just shows the ultimate absurdity of life. What is this? Are you trying to get me to lose my temper? ‘Cause i’m about to put you through that goddamn window. See? That’s what I mean. Life is absurd. Don’t say that! God forgive you! There is no god. Hey! Hey! Where is this coming from? They teach you this crap at school? Is this this new english teacher, mr. Clark? Where is he from? Answer me! Oberlin. Want him to read something other than “hustler”? Hello, he got assigned “the stranger”. You want him to be an educated person? What do you think education is? You just make more money? This is education. Do you ever think like why were we born? Madame de stael said, “in life one must choose before boredom and suffering.” Go to your room. No, I’m serious. Why were we born? We were born because of adam and eve, that’s why. Now go upstairs and do your math. Algebra? That’s the most boring. Your other choice is suffering. You want to start now? Move your ass!



Jesus christ, let me think. You wake me up, my head’s all cobwebs. Wyczchuk, wyczchuk… Waldemar wyczchuk. You had lobster fra diavolo with him in atlantic city on the 14th of this month. He got blown up? Fuck. We’re not necessarily trying to pin this on soprano or anybody in your crew, sal. We’re drawing no conclusions. But what do you got for me? If I had some coffee– cut the the quips! Tell me about the merger talks. What do you want me to say? Philadelphia’s been putting pressure on the shy business? That’s been going on since moses wore short pants. Tony’s still resisting the philly overtures? Sometimes, puss’, you don’t act like a guy that’s facing 30 to life for selling H. Don’t get heavy with me. You come to my house because somebody’s leaning on your ass? 8:00 in the morning you come to my house? You know what this looks like? I’m doing all I can to help you guys. One time tony bought a pool table from wyczchuk.



So he’s sitting there and he asks me “if there’s no god, why was I born?” He tells me he’s got no purpose. How’d you answer him? I told him it cost about 150 grand to bring him up so far, so if he’s got no purpose I want a fucking refund. Are you angry with anthony jr. About the car? You can’t put shit back on the donkey. Boys will be boys. It’s this other crap, that’s not not normal. Adolescent angst is very normal. You never went through it? You think my mother and father are gonna stand for that shit? How is your mother? She’s dead to me. And how’s anthony jr. Been taking it? What? About the family? About your nonrelationship with his grandmother. How’s he supposed to understand that? And in general, the whole strain of the current atmosphere in your household? Don’t give him the right to mouth off. Sounds to me like anthony jr. May have stumbled onto existentialism. Fucking internet. No, it’s a european philosophy. After world war II people were disillusioned by the sheer weight of the horrors. That’s when the whole idea took root that there were no absolute truths. You believe that? In your family, even motherhood is up for debate. No, it’s not, I teach him to love and respect and appreciate his mother. What about your mother? Anthony, I think it’s important we talk about your mother and what she tried to do to you. No need to. She showed her true colors, that’s all. Has anthony jr. Heard you say “she’s dead to me”? I don’t know. Don’t you think that kind of talk could lead a kid to embrace these ideas? Oh, so, now this is my fault. When some people first realize that they’re solely responsible for their decisions, actions, and beliefs, and that death lies at the end of every road, they can be overcome with intense dread. “Intense dread.” A dull, aching anger that leads them to conclude that the only absolute truth is death. I think the kid’s onto something.



(Female) it’s puttin’ me off, way off. (Male) okay, ready? Ready to go? Okay, picture’s up, lock it up! Ready to roll, wait. (Male) standby to roll, quiet please! Roll sound! Camera! Smoke out, camera’s rolling! And, action! (Female) my leg, I think it’s broken. Okay, cut! Alright, check the gate. (Female) michele, can I talk to you? C’mon. Holy shit, that’s… She was in “kings of comedy”. And the other one too, I seen her. That movie my girlfriend likes with uma, what’s her name? Jon, this is Christopher. Hey, how’s it going? It’s a real treat to meet you. “Swingers” kicked ass. Thanks, thank you. Thanks for coming out here, I appreciate it, seriously. What were you doing before you started writing for “los angeles”? Jon, this is christopher. Oh, oh, I’m sorry, I thought you– there’s a guy from “los angeles” magazine coming down here to do a story on my favorite place for breakfast. But you’re the guy from Jersey, right? Yeah. Cool. Very, very cool. Michele foreman, our director, she’s from jersey, you see her first picture? She’s a director? Beautiful film, it won the audience award at sundance. Madonn’. It was also hilariously funny, this lesbian-romantic screwball comedy she did. This one’s much more mainstream, it’s about spies. So, anyway, we’re getting ready to shoot the last scene. This is the one where the two lesbians, the lovers, they die. Janeane, her character’s zephyr– that’s her fucking name. Garofalo! Janeane garofalo. Yeah, so she’s been chasing gina, sandra, all around the country. Gina? Gina shecter from brooklyn, that’s the character. So they end up here in soho where they just had a standoff, they shot each other. Picture’s up, let’s lock it up! Quiet please! Excuse me. And smoke! Standby, to roll, quiet please! And roll sound! The silencers underscore their voiceless place in society. (Male) we’re rolling! We’re rolling! Camera’s rolling! Spin the wheel! And action! I never had an eggcream. They’re not coming for either one of us. You live your whole life in a place and never taste the thing it’s famous for. Couldn’t hear the fucking shots with this thing. There’s a place on st. Mark’s– it’s over, you bitch. Don’t do it. Michele! Cut, i’m sorry, I’m sorry, sorry, sorry. Can we cut for a second? Are we really gonna say “bitch”? You don’t like “bitch”? We discussed this, we’re losing light. It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s just, it’s the last thing my lover says to me? I don’t find it particularly interesting. You’re thinking you should shoot her again? No, wait a minute– I don’t think shooting’s right in this case. Your character’s strength is her passivity. Whose passivity? Zephyr. In this case. In this case. I think he’s right, jeanine. Obviously, throughout the rest of the piece, you got testes to burn. Is there anything other than “bitch”? Buchiach. What? Let that one call that one “buchiach”. That soundsmore interesting. Bu– what? Buchiach. If she’s from brooklyn… That sounds okay. Okay, let’s roll. What does it mean? Cunt. Cunt, I like that. (Male) okay, picture’s up, let’s lock it up! Standby to roll! Roll sound! Camera’s rolling! (Female) we are rolling! (Male) smoke! We’re rolling! Smoke out! And action!





What’s going on with you? Nothing. “Nothing.” You know, that “no god” shit, that upset your mother very much. It’s not “no god”, it’s just god is dead. Who said that? Nitch, he’s a 19th century philosopher from germany. Anyway, that’s why I’m not getting confirmed. Enough with that shit. Your confirmation’s this weekend and you are getting confirmed. That sucks my nut. Hey! You got a lot of balls, you know that? You go to catholic school and your mother wants it. What does she know? She knows that even if god is dead, you’re still gonna kiss his ass.


Hey! Hey, joe. Hey, chris, how’s it going? Coke and a slice. It’s the best pie in north jersey. What do you guys want? Anything, it’s taken care of. Same thing, coke and a slice. Coke and a slice. You got it. That laundromat across the street, that’s where joe’s restaurant used to be. Willie moretti, that’s where he bought it. Moretti was sinatra’s guardian angel, right? Stuck his gun in tommy dorsey’s mouth and bought sinatra’s contract from him for a dollar. Fuck, that’s so cool. That’s like the inspiration for johnny fontaine and the studio boss in gf one, right? Right. That’s the one beef I had with “swingers”. You guys patterned yourselves after frank and dean, but there was like a pussy-assness to it. I mean, it was kind of the point of the piece– so, you brought us your script. Yeah, but– c’mon, let’s see it. No, you’re jon favreau. Rocky marciano, “deep impact”, “swingers”. Here’s the thing. Your script is set in the world that i’m interesting in doing my next project on. A picture on the life of crazy joe gallo. Joe gallo? They already did “the gang that couldn’t shoot straight”. Yeah, but I see gallo as this tragic figure. He was a flawed and blinkered guy, but he wanted to learn, to grow, to read, to paint. He had this yearning, this hunger for– fuck your mother, what’s the word? You as joey gallo, I don’t see that. I’m part italian. Vince, maybe, vaughn. This project happens to be a personal passion of mine. I could play joey gallo but I don’t want to be an actor unless I can play myself. Which is totally understandable. Listen, ever since amy told me about you, I thought maybe we could work together. You could tell me the way shit goes down, what makes sense, what people really say, you know what I mean? Joey gallo, I was like three years old when he got whacked. Yeah, but speech patterns. You saw “swingers”. Whatever you think of that motherfucker, man, it’s like you can tell it’s extremely important to me how people really talk. Like that “buchiach” thing. How could I forget that fucking thing? I mean, I grew up right in queens. I guess it is a long time ago. You wouldn’t be betraying any oath thing. Holy fucking shit, that thing is still alive? If I told you 15 years ago that she was a piece of ass would you believe me? What? What happened? Forget it. C’mon, man, we’re just talking. Wiseguy friend of mine would kill me if he knew I told you. This made guy, right? Had the most discriminating eye when it comes to t&a. He’s at a club one night, this broad’s all over him. And she’s got a really nice body, she’s horny as hell. They step outside, they walk over to this picnic ground. She starts blowing him next to this swing set. He’s about to shoot his load, he reaches down to start fingering, undoes the skirt, reaches in, grabs hold of a goddamn prick. Jesus christ. “Crying game.” This is a true story. So my friend can’t let this story get out. He wants to humiliate the freak as much as he was humiliated. So he gets this fucking acid, you know, burns everything. He pours it on her arms, on her face, everywhere, her prick. That’s one bad motherfucker. That’s how good looking this broad used to look, had this wiseguy friend of mine totally fooled. She had to get a glass eye.




(Honking) hey, look who’s here. You can’t say hello to your uncle? Hey, uncle pussy. Look what my little friend did to carmela’s car. What were you thinking? You got to learn to respect the value of things. This is your own property. Here, go get a soda. The longest fucking car ride of my life. What’s the matter? It’s the kid, he used to be happy-go-lucky. Now he’s moody, he questions the universe. Like father, like son. Fuck you, I’m serious. You’re his confirmation sponsor. Do something with him. Alright, alright. But 13, 14, they start getting broody. It’s getting so I don’t want to be with him. If you gotta use a belt, go ahead. He’s bombing out in school. He got a “c”, three “ds” and an “f”. Look at this kid. How you making out in school? I got a “c”, three “ds” and an “f”.



(On tv) so many people with their… Hey. Where you been? I was hanging out with jon. Izzacupo? Favreau. You were? You went to the set? Yeah. Why didn’t you call? We were only there for like half an hour, then him and amy wanted me to give them kind of like a tour around jersey. They did? What?! Vince vaughn didn’t come down there.

Elbow up, matt, keep it straight. Coach is having me pull more. Fuck him. My son don’t hit sacrifice flies. You’re up next. Nah, I just want to want watch. You got to snap out of this, anthony. C’mon, a.J., It’s fun. I know, I just don’t feel like it. Sometimes you got to do things you don’t want to. Why? ‘Cause your parents say so. It’s part of your tradition. Baseball’s not part of my tradition. It ain’t? Your dad, in high school, was almost all-county left field. I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about your confirmation here. I don’t want to get confirmed. Why not? Don’t matter why not. If you’re looking for a purpose in life, doing what’s right is your purpose. That’s not what niche says. Who? Nietzsche. Let me tell you something. Nietzsche wound up talking to his horse. And I know what you’re gonna tell me. Sartre, right? Sartre was a fucking fraud. He copped it all from husserl and heidegger. Go on. You should start at the beginning. Take a look at kierkegaard. Whatever. Kierkegaard said, “every duty is essentially duty to god.” “Nigga be a leader, not a follower.” What? Master p said that. You still listen to rap? Why? It’s just all about marketing now.

Sopranoland - The Sopranos Fan Mega Site

| What's New | F. A. Q. | Giveaway | Cast | 7 Questions | Episodes |
| Sightings | The Goods | Mall | Movie Guide | Publicity | Links | SEARCH |

This page was last updated on August 13, 2001
and is designed to be viewed at a resolution of 800 x 600 or greater

© 1999-2001 Sopranoland. All Rights Reserved. Copyright, Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

Created by
Poizen Ideas