The Sopranos – Closed Captions – #24 – House Arrest – Sopranoland – As Seen on E! True Hollywood Story
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Episode #24 Transcript
House Arrest
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©1999 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

Stop! Stop! What are you doing? What are you doing, you closing me up? Mister, where do you suppose you are going? Stop! Stop! I demand you stop! I demand you come back here this instant! This instant, you motherfucker! You motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker!

(Phone) yeah. Zanone brothers. This fuckin’ series, huh? Your driver, he comes here, he dumps the garbage all over the place! He did, huh? What “he did”? How about those nets, huh? You come get it know! Get what, sir? The goddamn, goddamn garbage. We thought you wanted it back. What? What? The raghead from the deli. Hello, where are you? You called yesterday to complain? That’s our policy, it’s written on our trucks. Double your garbage back if you’re not satisfied. I complain because you didn’t make full pickups on 12, 16, 20th. And then I get charged double for it! Right, we had to come out twice. You charge me double for pickups you miss? My dispatcher asked you if you’re not satisfied did you want your garbage back? Of course I don’t want garbage back. Then you’re satisfied. You are speaking shit to me. We’ll try to send a truck out tomorrow.



What are we talking, eight to ten? For godsake Alan, I can plea him out of three to five. Alright, talk to mike gendler, see what he says. What’s all this? You looked thirsty last time I saw you. Oh yeah, you know what? I knew I left this someplace. New? Ah you know, keeping busy. Carmela, the kids? Good. You know, school shit. You bet that game last night? Yeah. What do you think I need this for? (Clearing throat) so what do I owe you, counselor? You’ll pay me when I actually have to do something. Let’s hope that fuckin’ day never comes, right? It almost did very recently. Here we go, the Neil mink lecture series. We’ll isn’t it fair to say we were staring into the abyss? A very close call, that brush with a murder beef. I told you I was home alone. You and macaulay culkin. Except that neither one of you would have been alone. (Laughing) champagne’s nice. But you want to give me a real gift? Insulate yourself from these shenanigans. I told you once already. I do. I am. What the fuck you want from me? Use one of the businesses we’ve got you in, for something besides showing income on a tax return. Spend time at garden state rendering. Oh please, you know what boiling fat smells like? You have an office at barone sanitation. Get your ass out of that strip club and go there. Alright, I hear you. The feds are a business, Anthony. Millions of tax dollars invested in watching your ass. Sooner or later just like you, they’re gonna want a return on that investment.


Mother of fucking mercy. What’d you take a sledge hammer to my balls? That’s just the incision where I inserted the stent. You’re gonna feel a little tenderness. Okay, almost there. Easy. You should use the bedpan next time. I’m not a cat. I don’t shit in a box. You have to watch your heart. My heart’s fine. When I get out of here we’re going to a discotheque, you and me. Discotheque. What’s so funny? Mr. Soprano. I’m Michael mcluhan from the US Marshall service. Here to reattach your electronic bracelet. They you give you the important jobs, huh? (Nurse) excuse me. Your name’s really mcluhan? Right. So that makes you marshal mcluhan. That’s right. What? What’s the fucking joke? Alright, you may feel pressure in your chest. That’ll go away as the blood flow to heart increases. Just stay in bed, plenty of fluids. Get you home tomorrow. Lucky fucking me. Sandwich or something? Did you hear me with my balls, who can fucking eat?



(Radio) … New York’s only classic rock station, q104. What are you looking at? Nothing. Just looking out the window. Gettin’ my eyebrows done. It may be the devil, or it may be the lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody, it may be a state trooper, may be the head of some big TV network, you may be rich or poor, you may be blind or lame, you may be livin’ in another country under another name, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody, yes, yo u are, you’re gonna have to serve somebody, it may be the devil or it may be the lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody, maybe you’re a construction worker workin’ on a home.


Remember… One mouth, two ears. Listen to each other. I’ll see you next week. Okay.

So, what’s up? I don’t know, I’m… I’m bored or something. I don’t want to come here no more. Well… Not the first time we’ve heard you say that. No offense but let’s face it, this is starting to feel like a waste of time. I’m sure for the both of us. I don’t feel that way. Like the other day I’m watching this movie with brad Pitt and that blonde, Gweneth Paltrow. “Sliding doors”? Fuck no, “seven”. It’s a good movie, and I never seen it before. But halfway through it, I’m thinking, this is bullshit. A waste of my fucking time. Why do I give a shit who the killer is? What difference is that information gonna make in my life? Very true. So I shut it off. Good for you. What did you do instead? I went out in the yard and burned ants with a magnifying glass. A little sense of humor here. What’s the matter? You still in mourning over the coming of managed care? Go on. What’s the point? You go to Italy, you lift some weights, you watch a movie. It’s all a series of distractions ’til you die. I hear depression talking. Yeah well, I’m not up on my dosage. Medication, medication, medication, what do I got to show for it? Who knows where you’d be without the medication? Anyway, some people take pleasure in the simple doing of things. Yeah well, the things I take pleasure in, I can’t do. Currently trying to change my business profile, if you know what I mean. So it’s all about your legal problems.



(Sighing) I’m gonna get the car. Don’t disappear, meet me out front. Corrado? I thought that was you. Catherine… Romano. Catherine. Mr. Soprano, you have to stay in a wheelchair until you leave the building. Hospital rules. So call a cop. A little procedure, you’d think that they’d worry about the sick people. It’s all about the insurance. You remember my Chuckie? Little chuckie, you drove the bike for the butchers. I got to call Karen, ma. He’s a cop now, like his father. A detective. He’s a good egg, your Lou, a real straight shooter, he had a lot of class. Hodgkin’s, no? It’s been almost 15 years. That long? The week the shuttle exploded. The pension helps. The grandchildren. You look good, corrado. You healthy? A little heart trouble, nothing much. You broke your ankle? Bunions. You still in Belleville? Same house, watsessing avenue. I’m right on ampere parkway near our beloved alma mater. Maybe we could have coffee. Catch up. There’s an IHOP by the dry cleaners. The doctor says I’m not supposed to leave the house. Too much stress. Sir. The chair.



(Barking) what the fuck, I don’t show up for eight years, all of a sudden you turn my office into a storeroom? No, I’m gonna get this shit cleaned right out. Connie! Connie! This is mr. Soprano. Tony. How ya doing? Connie desapio. What happened to diane? A little self indulgent when it came to office supplies. Connie, mr. Soprano’s been out the in field, but he’s gonna be spending some time with us here at hq. So let’s get ralphie in here and danny too. And let’s move these boxes out, the books. What should I do with them? I don’t know, make room. I’ll put them by the copy machine. Nice rack. Born-again christian. Oh yeah? Listen, while I have you here, we may have a little problem. Richie Aprile. Yeah I know, I heard. He tipped a truck at a deli in Nutley. That fucking guy. But that’s not it. One of zanone’s drivers, the illustrated man. Richie’s got him running an operation, selling blow along the routes. Now the department of sanitation I can handle, tony. But if the DEA. Gets involved we’re gonna lose our 901. Son of a fuckin’ bitch. I’m sorry, I don’t like to break your balls. You know that piece of shit’s gonna be my brother in law? Nice, huh?


The rico act, elliot. We sat there and we talked about the fucking rico act. You treat different patients. Your base of knowledge expands. Two years ago I thought rico was a relative of his. Cards-on-the-table time. How’s the drinking? I don’t know. Worse, I guess. Are you an alcoholic? I am drinking in between sessions. That’s very serious. Just on the days that I see him. I can’t take it. Finally, thank you. Are you taking steps to seriously end it? He wanted to end it. He said last time he wanted to stop coming. But I talked him out of it. Why? If I was at sloan and he had a pituitary tumor, would I stop him from coming? Elliot, it’s like that thing with watching a train wreck. I’m afraid and repulsed by what he might tell me. But somehow I can’t stop myself from wanting to hear it.


Okay. All set. It’ll ramp up to eight pounds per cubic inch. Keep your airway open when you’re sleeping. I don’t snore. Ah, don’t be embarrassed. Obstructive sleep apnea is serious. Every time your airway closes down and you wake up fighting for breath, it puts tremendous strain on your heart. Dr. Schreck is absolutely right in prescribing this for you. Makes me look like a sick man. You’re not sick. But testing shows REM-wise, you have 40 arousals per hour. More since I met you. Such a thing to say. Arousals mean a change in your stages in your sleep. You are such a flirt. I’ll stop by tomorrow okay? See how you did. Be counting the beats. (Doorbell) who’s that? Judge crater, how should I know? The one who ordered the house arrest? Answer the door, it’s a goddamn expression. I’m gonna go wash my hands. (Female) hello, i’m catherine, a friend of Corrado’s. Fuck me. Oh catherine, what a surprise. I would’ve called, you’re unlisted. I brought manicott’. How’s your foot? It’s better, thanks. Heart? Better. Is this a bad time for a visit? Actually, the nurse just got here. We were about to have my examination. Oh well, maybe friday then. I volunteer at the bingo since louis past. Well… Enjoy the manicott’. Thank you, I will. You’re awful. Neighbor lady, she went to school with my older brother. I’ll see ya tomorrow. What did you send that lady away for? I thought you were bored. Talking to that dreadnought would help? She seems alright. What the hell would we have in common? Bunion, you know how I feel about feet.


Burn, baby burn, disco inferno look at this. You believe this one with the cleavage? Finger food is better than last year. It’s not the landfill, the problem is the limit. Right know we’re at two grand a day, but with dos breaking our balls I got to fuck with ins and outs. Oh yeah, what’s that? The paperwork, you know? List the gross tonnage. I got to file it in triplicate every day. Right. How ya doing? Is that your wife, dickie? Yeah, c’mon, I’ll introduce you. I’m getting engaged myself. Hey some place, huh? That landscaping is gorgeous. Janice, you’re completely transformed. What can I say? You look good, janice. You look pretty good, janice. You are a giant asshole, you know? C’mon. … Nirvana. You got a minute? Jesus christ, let me get a drink. Naw, we’ll grab a waiter, c’mon. I’ll see you. Excuse me ladies. Have you met helen barone? Hi, jan soprano. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Got any blow? What? Blow, you know coke. What, you don’t keep it on you? I got to go to the deli in Nutley? Tony. You don’t sell that shit along those routes, you understand me? I’m working with junior on this. I don’t give a shit if you’re working with Walmart, knock it the fuck off. Trying to earn here, we’re saving for a house. You got enough in your plate just picking up garbage. Not if you and that fucking association, and that cocksucker barone don’t let me expand. Are you fucking stoonad or what? After five years. The cops are finally leaving garbage alone. A drug bust on one of those routes is different story, you got the fbi, the DEA., Those fucking pricks are gonna be breathing down our necks again. It’s only coke. What is the big deal? You and my uncle, you want to deal drugs, that’s your business. You do it on association garbage routes, it’s my fucking business. It stops today, you got it? Don’t give me your fucking manson lamps, just fucking stop. Another thing, don’t tip a truck on a problem customer. I fucking hate the way you make me fucking ride you. Now get the fuck out of here.



I looked out this morning and the sun was gone … Municipality went private, so now we’re bidding on a landfill down in west virginia. (Male) I started reading the epa’s new guidelines, on curbside recycling. I’m telling you, listen, I’m telling you. Just listen to me, guys. I got it right through the transfer station. And listen to this, it scaled out at nearly 3,000 tons. 3,000 tons. … Talking about instituting a yard waste ban, in half the states on the eastern seaboard.

It’s more than a feeling oh. Oh my god, tony. Call an ambulance. Jesus christ. Turn him over, carmela. Tony. Watch his head, watch his head. The pills, the analysis. You pay her a fortune, what is she doing for you? Will you leave me the fuck alone? If it was a man you’d ring his neck. I got a fucking rash now, last a week or two. Leave me alone. Putting a wing on her house. Mr. Soprano. I have your results. Yeah. Just preliminary, but as far as I can tell, it’s… Nothing physical, right? For chrissake, I just passed out, if it’s nothing physical, then what the fuck is wrong with me? I would think you’d be relieved. I’ll be relieved when somebody puts their finger on whatever the fuck it is that’s wrong with me. I wish it was physical, so I can have it ripped the fuck out. I’m sorry, it’s just very frustrating, I know you’re only trying to help. You know, losing some weight wouldn’t hurt.



Shit. Did you get the lady fingers? Nah, they were out. I got crumbcake, the entenmann’s. Disposal again? Leave it, I told you, I gotta get the flange. When, st. Smithen’s day? Who was at the door before? That lady from the other day. Catherine? The one with the manicott’. I said you were sleeping. Why didn’t you wake me? Roberta Sanfilippo didn’t call back, did she? I got to be honest, junior, when I ran into her at fountains of Wayne that time, she was very cold. What was she buying? Fountain, kid pissing. Must’ve bought a house. Great ass. Jesus. Talk too much, but what a piece she was. And game as they come. Listen, I’m gonna go. Got to take my kid to karate.


(Rosalie) no I read it, I did. (Gabriella) that’s it, that’s the way of life. But in “angela’s ashes” you were laughing with him at least. Every paycheck squandered on alcohol. Please, you know the irish and their liquor. The “weakness” he calls it, right? (Carmela) how he can make such heartache funny is beyond me. My god, with that father? It’s true, we don’t know what poverty is in this country. Did you feel in this one the mother came off a little nicer? It’s all in the writing. (Carmela) it’s like he makes certain choices about how he is going to portray people. Like the nuns in that convent. Please, catholic school here wasn’t any better. He used to be a school teacher, you know. Some school in manhattan. My god, the way he treated that wife. She’d be better off if he beat her.


(Phone) hello. Yeah t, it’s me. Hey. Listen, that container came in. From the other side. Supposed to go to that guy… Great, about fucking time. It’s better than she said, it’s un-fuckin’-believable. It’s all original world war ii shit. You’re fucking kidding me. I know nothing! Nothing! I’m looking at the fucking history channel here. You got to come down here. You’ll love this stuff. Nah. We got eisenhower’s dinnerware from allied headquarters in london. We got a couple of herman goerings personal pearl handled lugers, and get this… We got the jeep that patton drove around in, in sicily. We have ways of dealing with you mr. Soprano! (Pussy) aaaah! (Silvio) put that thing down. Put that down, it’s expensive. No, I better listen to the lawyer. Are you sure? Yeah. You guys go ahead without me. Alright, talk to you later. Alright. (Female) how ’bout a mystery? (Carmela) the mystery is that rosalie read… (Laughing) (female) what? I liked it. (Female) what about something like “cider house rules”? (Carmela) yeah, but not so sad.



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