The Sopranos – Closed Captions – #25 – The Knight in White Satin Armor – Sopranoland – As Seen on E! True Hollywood Story
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Episode #25 Transcript
The Knight in White Satin Armor
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©1999 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

(ballroom dance music) had some great naps on this settee. You okay over there? Shades of starving students, Santa Monica, summer of ’78. You were a mover? Yeah. How many jobs you have in this lifetime? Enough to know I don’t want another one. Jan, these floors have wonderful glide. You’re looking great, Rick. Beautiful Juliet, beautiful. Richie’s son is still “flying down to Rio”? Dad, must be proud as punch. He is. Those two were top ten in the embassy ball championships last year. Ton’, hey, man. Jackie, how’s your rash? How you doin’? You want a beer, t? No, no, that’s alright. Go join your wastrel friends. What’s the matter? Jackie Aprile was a man who loved knowledge. When he was dying of the cancer, he was praying, his son would go to medical school. If he knew he dropped out of college, break his heart. It didn’t hurt the beatles. Bill gates. His uncle Richie’s looking out for him. Easier than dealing with his own son. Hey Tony, don’t do that. Do you know he’s taking AJ to the dirt bike championships at giant stadium? AJ can’t go. He got a “c” in algebra. Does carmela know about this? Alright, you really want to know? I don’t want him around my kids. Who, richie? You heard me. What the fuck are you talking about? Ask gia gaeta. Richie told me all about that. The transmission slipped out of gear. Richie’s lucky he didn’t get crushed by the car too. And for your information, beansie gaeta owed him major dollars for ten years and Richie wasn’t even asking for the interest. Why not? And if we’re so awful, why are you throwing us an engagement party? ‘Cause you’re my sister, and I try to do what’s right. Anyway, it’s my wife’s thing. What’s right include planking that little Russian girl of yours on the side? You know what, be in denial, be a codependent to a fucking shit-bag. What the fuck do I care? Your can’t stand to see me happy, can you? You motherfucker. Take that settee and shove it up your ass.



(Breathing heavily) I love my new pony boots, Tony. Yeah, nice. Why don’t you wear them when you go on some of your interviews? You call sy littman yet? No, I’m doing it. There’s good money in modeling. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life behind the perfume counter in a department store, do you? What do you care what I do? Don’t start with the moody shit. What is that? “Chicken soup for the soul”. You should read “tomato sauce for your ass”, it’s the Italian version. Ha ha. Why, you jealous? You fucking him? I can’t have a conversation with you! You’re horrible. It’s a fucking question. Maybe it’s something you ought to think about. What? Finding somebody who can give you everything you want I told you he drives a fucking limo. Not talking about those kind of things, I’m talking about a family, marriage, children. I don’t want to find someone, I have you. What, to take you out to dinner, and screw your fucking brains out? What the fuck’s wrong with you? Tony, no don’t go. You know, you don’t know what the fuck you want. Don’t yell at me, please. You know this is a bad time. My new boss is so mean to me. It’s always a bad time with you. With the cousins and the landlords. Tony, no, please no! Alright. Rin’, you know it hasn’t been good for a long time. For either of us. Now, I’m worn out here. I’ll die without you. No you won’t, you’ll forget about me in two weeks. No, I’m telling you, if you go I’ll kill myself. Don’t you fucking threaten me, irina. This is over, I can’t do this anymore. I’m not gonna do it anymore. You talk to that guy about the modeling like I told you. Take care of you until you get on your feet. But I’m not doing this anymore. You understand? I hate you!


So that’s it. Albert splits nutley with the d’alessio brothers, and barone here keeps everything north of paterson. What else we gotta talk about? Fairfield township’s taking bids next week what’s there to talk about? Fairfield’s mine. Was yours. I don’t give bids to the handicapped. See obviously, Richie, you’re fucking deaf, I told you ten times, then I find out you’re still dealing blow on those garbage routes. For that I’m losing a fucking bid? Next time you’ll find yourself in the back of one of your trucks. Those are my father’s garbage routes. Shh, kid. Actually fellas, my cousin Larry wants the Fairfield contract. The hardship of his family and whatnot, while he’s in jail awaiting trial. See, this is why we have a fixed bid club. ‘Cause everyone’s got a story about why they should go to head of line. I’ve been in line for ten fucking years. My uncle is just asking for what my father would have given him, if he was boss when Richie got out of prison. It had nothing to do with they were brothers. You respected my father, you should respect Richie. Those who want respect give respect. See, he just told you to shut the fuck up. And he told me to go fuck myself.


This bill, Mel, Jesus. I wish this fucking trial would happen already, I’m hemorrhaging sponduliks here. The minimization process could be very good for us, corrado. We hire experts to study the wiretap tapes. Former bureau guys, very thorough. If they find abuses, we take those findings to the judge, and possibly have all the wiretap evidence thrown out. That’s fucking great. I know the feds stay on the phone longer than the 20 seconds they’re allowed to see if the call is relevant, I hear a click. I could be talking about root beer, and sometimes they stay on 40, 50 seconds before they hang up. Pricks. But it’ll cost, the study. How much? 200-plus hours of tapes to analyze, and I want to bring on specialized counsel, to handle the wiretap litigation. Ballpark figure? Yeah, Wrigley fucking field, for chrissake. 400 thousand.


Did my nephew say where I’m allowed to move the coke? He don’t give a shit about nobody but himself. This country’s going through boom times, there’s more fucking garbage than there ever was and he won’t let me eat. Now you wanna cry money problems? I’m facing 20 years, I could die in the fucking place. You’re gonna beat it, skip. You don’t fucking know that! That coke is my lifeline right now. Break it down, Jun’. What choice does he leave us? You need allies to do what your thinking about. Albert barese didn’t like what he was hearing. And by extension Larry barese, biggest fucking crew in the family. That doesn’t surprise me. Larry’s had as much time as me to think about why he’s under indictment, and some other people ain’t. So, what do you want me to do? Go talk to alley boy, feel him out. But he’s a slippery fuck. Don’t commit. I’ll see you. He’s got tremendous moxie for his size. Tell me about it. He’s a fighter.


What’s this? Open it. I could see it’s JW gold. But we can’t accept gifts, Sal. I’ll pass it along to the guys at the fireman’s home. See, that right there, you guys have a policy and it’s fucking stuck to. You don’t get distracted. Look what happened with those Egyptians, those motherless world trade center fucks. Serial numbers on an axle and you put everyone of them behind bars. What the fuck is all this? I owe you, skip. The rest of my life, I’ll never forget, you looked the other way on that Bevilaqua beef. What? The bureau would never turn its head on a murder charge. Alright, what else could you say at this point, right? What do you know about Scottsdale? Arizona? Yeah, I was thinking I would pick there to live, when this assignment is over. Assignment? You know, when I’m in witness protection. They got more than 300 days of sunshine, golf, giant’s spring training, naturally, I’m talking about after I do my two years in Louisburg. I been thinking about taking courses while I’m in the can, psychology, criminology, and maybe go give lectures at police departments on O.C.. That’s an idea. An airline ticket from the scatino bust-out. Tony made the guy order blocks of these things, through the sporting goods store. I’ll put it on file. You could use it as probable cause for a warrant, couldn’t you? Evidence of extortion, intent to defraud, those are RICO predicates, right? First you have to tie the ticket to Tony. And he’s too smart to use any of them himself. He probably moved them by now. However, this engagement party for the sister, I’m gonna want to wire you up. I know you’re sensitive. Ah fuck that. What the fuck was I, his errand boy? The Saturn, yeah. Running all over looking for his kid’s science teacher’s car. What the fuck is that? Any faith I had went out the window that very day.



It’s gorgeous. I know. Are you out of your mind with all the arrangements? My planner did Rick cerone’s wedding. So, all I do is, I hand out money. And I have his card for your. Your father’s disappeared and I ain’t paying for something like that. Oh, carmela. Carmela, I love the new wallpaper. Do you think I should do my den? (Janice) hey, do you have that guy’s number? Hey T, you still got any of those airline tickets you got from the scatino bust-out? Fucking creep. Who, rich? What happened to that man in the can? Meadow, go help your mother. You’re in a little bit of denial there, Richie was always a disturbed kid. So Janice, I really don’t have a shot anymore? Having a good fucking time? Alright, what do you want me to say? I’m sorry. I’m glad for you. You should have seen ma when we left the house. She really wanted to be here. Could we go back to the part where I was glad for you? You don’t give her a chance, Tony. She’s a completely different person, since the doctors put her on prozac. Put her on what? Janice! You’re not gonna believe this shit. They got the old lady on prozac. She’s changed, my ass. She’s just too senile to remember who she hates. What’s wrong with you today? What do you care? (Clanking glass) (male) yo Richie, speech. C’mon, speech. Everybody… I want to thank my future in-laws for making a great party. And I want to thank you all for coming, and celebrating with us this historical union, the Apriles and the sopranos. They say it’s never too late. They say all good comes to those who wait. They’re right on both counts. You got anything to add, little Ricky? Glad for you, dad. Aw. Stepmom. Thanks, Rick. Umm… Okay, well i… I just wanted to share my happiness with everybody here. And I have been looking for my soulmate for all of my life. Madonn, have I looked, right? I don’t know what made me think I was gonna find anybody halfway decent in some ashram in pradesh. But I found him, right here… At home. And I just wanted to say that you knock my socks off. (Applause) god bless, salute. (Cheering)




(phone) yeah. It was delicious agony. Were you also pretending when I kissed you? I got to go out. (Female) oh you’re wonderful. I’m ashamed of myself. (Male) yes, you ought to be, definitely.

Thank god, I’m home. I’m in the shower, I almost didn’t hear the phone. She is drunk, she is crying. She’s took 20 sleeping pills. What the fuck is she thinking? Aw, it’s not her fault. Please. Look at you, you got one leg, you don’t behave like that. Her parents, both of them were alcoholics in petrozavodsk. Horrible industrial city. The father died 55 years old, lung cancer, cirrhosis of the liver. Probably good thing anyway, he was not working. The factory was closed down. She had to go to Kazakhstan to live with uncle, crude, miserable man. Jesus Christ, rin’. I don’t care no more what happen. Don’t say that shit. You got your whole life ahead of you. So sorry, Tony. The ambulance, emergency room, how she gonna pay? You think they give her medical insurance at that department store she works in? I’ll take care of it. What kind of life is there for me without you, Tony? To go back to “bada bing”? To be a dancer? Be a prostitute after that? I don’t want to. I don’t want to. Alright, shh shh shh. Everything’s gonna be alright. Okay? It’s gonna be alright, shh.

Perfect. Oh god. Look at that cleavage. Oh thank you, Jesus. You know, I’m only doing this for the presents. Well, I’m doing it for richie. He says he’d rather go to Vegas, but you gotta do the ritual thing right? This is such a happy time. All the flowers, all the excitement. I remember how I felt. Then there’s honeymoon, and the hope chest. You’re working overtime here, carmela. Remember how radiant I looked walking down that aisle? You’re depressed, aren’t you? Depressed? No, I leave that to others. I’m just being realistic. ‘Cause in a year tops, you’re gonna have to accept a gumar. Oh yeah? Well, I’d like to see a gumar, that’s gonna let him hold a gun to her when they fuck. You let him hold a gun to your head during sex? Yeah well, if that gets him off. It’s not different than garter belts and nurse’s uniforms. Well, it’s a gun. I thought you were a feminist. Usually he takes the clip out. Well, jesus, I hope so. It’s a ritual. It’s fetishistic, that’s all.

My 3-0-2s from last week. Sure, c’mon in. Happy birthday chief. Thanks. From tony soprano. Never misses an occasion. Christmas, columbus day. Have something to eat, before I send it to st. Ambroseus shelter. My CW on that just gave me a bottle of johnny walker. CW 16? Bompensiero, yeah. Fucking guy thinks I’m his friend now. I know we’re not supposed to accept gifts, and I know poor people are gonna get this, but I can’t resist the lard bread. He’s turned some corner. One minute he’s talking about how much he loves tony soprano. And in the next breath he’s a junior g-man. Talking about RICO predicates and probable cause. All of a sudden we’re the good guys. The worst case of stockholm syndrome I seen since patty hearst. That was sad. I tell you though, I’m kind of worried about Sal with these fantasies of law enforcement. These things can work two ways, skip. You can find yourself getting too close.


So, you getting married, settling down, huh? One door opens, another door closes. It’s a fucking expensive proposition though. I didn’t need that shit that happened the other day. You don’t need that shit that happened the other day. You talk to the king of dermabrasion about what went down? I’m talking to him, and he’s looking at his reflection in the plexiglas. Imagine getting a facelift, one week later you’re in jail. Can you imagine that, you get a facelift and one week later you’re in jail? Anyway… I had the feeling you didn’t like what you were hearing. I already expected to get fucked out of that bid. Now that’s a sad commentary. Richie, what’s larry gonna do? The fucking guy’s a guest of the government. While some people are stuffing themselves. Some people are out there stuffing themselves. Only larry’s got a trial coming up. He’s in no position to go into the unknown not knowing. How about you, albert? Weigh in anytime. I’m with him. All things being equal? No. Make a move against tony soprano? No way. I don’t know what to tell you.



Vic. Carmela, hi. Imagine running into you here. How are you? I’m good, I’m fine. And how are you? Good. Just shopping for a roller. Look, vic, truthfully. I’m not just running into you here. I saw the name of the store on your supplies, I wanted to talk to you. Carmela, i’m sorry I should’ve called you that day. Please, you have nothing to be sorry for. I should have told you I wasn’t coming for lunch. That’s alright, I got the message when you didn’t show up. And that’s why I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to thank you. For what? Maybe someday I will be free. But if you had come that day, I might have done something that I would be sorry for forever. And so I wanted to thank you for thinking for the both of us. For being strong for the both of us. Thank you. Well, you’re welcome. So goodbye, vic. And take care of yourself. Thank christ. Jesus. You know who she’s married to?

I need you to give me the number of a good shrink. Oh? It’s for a girl I was seeing. What? “Was”? Yeah, I broke up with her and she tried to kill herself. This was no small cuttings. 20 Halcyon and a quart of vodka. And the fucking ambulance, they pumped her stomach. Cost me three grand. She should have been seen by the psychiatrist in the hospital. He was a romanian, and they have some beef that goes back centuries and she wouldn’t talk to him. Do you feel responsible for her suicide attempt? I was banging her for two years. Was that a hardship on her? That’s cute. You know how many women I’ve been through? I don’t know why I just don’t say fuck it with this one. Why do you think? She’s a sweet kid underneath it all. And I think she’s seriously depressed. You feel for her? I’m interested in why you’re ending it. What do you mean, why? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Aren’t you telling me that all the time in here? I don’t think I’ve ever passed judgment, on your sex life, or any patient’s sex life. Even if I’m 20 years older than her and i’m married? What’s wrong with you? Why now? Why now? Because, it’s not fun anymore. Okay, are you gonna recommend somebody or not?


He’s eating lunch. So? Larry’s out. Aw shit, fuck. I knew it, I fucking knew it. Here bobby, take this, I can’t. Larry and albert are not the problem. It’s tony that’s the fucking problem. You take him out of the picture, and believe me, everybody’s gonna come along. Where else are they gonna go? I’m sick. And fucking larry barese too. I got friends in federal holding that would like nothing better than to take that weak fuck out. He was a great friend to my father, but he doesn’t care who he follows now. I’d do him myself. Who’s that speaking here? Is somebody speaking? Listen, richie, let me think about this awhile. We can’t be too fucked up by this setback. We gotta screw our courage to the post. You’re a good boy, richie. It’s gonna be good. Go on home, we’ll talk. Fucking guy’s fearless for his size. That’s nice. Then what? He fucking dies, I can’t even wear his shoes. What the fuck you talking about? Fucking loser. He couldn’t sell it. Richie? Pay attention, you just may learn something here. Who am I best off with? We best off with? Old man profaci knew how to split his enemies. He couldn’t fucking sell it. He’s not respected. But tony, with his impulsiveness and selfishness, he’s locked up in that fucking head of his. I’m better off with tony. Definitely. I wanna see Anthony at the doctor’s office tomorrow. What are you looking at? I’m in awe of you.



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