The Sopranos – Closed Captions – #14 – Guy Walks into A Psychiatrist’s Office – Sopranoland – As Seen on E! True Hollywood Story
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Episode #14 Transcript
Guy Walks into
A Psychiatrist’s Office

Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©2000 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

Okay, listen up. This is the NASD series seven stockbroker’s exam. It will test your basic knowledge of stocks, bonds, and other securities. If your last name starts with a through l, you should be next door. The exam is in two parts, each part is three hours long. There will be a one hour break. As I call your name, please answer, “here”. Martin, Samantha. Here. McClure, Peter. Here. Moltisanti, Christopher. Here.

(Frank Sinatra singing) When I was 17 it was a very good year it was a very good year for small town girls and soft summer nights we’d hide from the lights on the village green when I was 17 when I was 21 it was a very good year it was a very good year for city girls who lived up the stair with all that perfumed hair and it came undone when I was 21 when I was 35 it was a very good year it was a very good year for blue-blooded girls of independent means we’d ride in limousines their chauffeurs would drive when I was 35 but now the days are short I’m in the autumn of the year and now i think of my life as vintage wine, from fine older kegs from the brim to the dregs it poured sweet and clear it was a very good year

tony… Ton’! Jesus Christ! Talk to you? Where the fuck you been? We’re gonna talk here. Come into the house. I got your word if i walk in there, I’m walking back out. I don’t see you for all this time, no word, nothing. And this is the way you come back to me? Do i got your word? Coffee? No. You look good. Tan. Yeah, right. The tan ghost. You’re a good guy, tony, but you abuse that joke shit. What do you got to say to me? I’m back, tony, I’m tan. I’m in a fucking tan nightmare what do you think, I’m stupid? I don’t know it, when every fuckin’ one of my friends turns their hearts to stone against me, fuck! Easy, okay. I don’t think you’re stupid. There was a fuckin’ rat. So, you finger me? You think I didn’t realize what was going on when you come to my house, three o’clock in the afternoon, telling me you’re my friend. That’s when I knew i was in trouble, Anthony. When outta the blue, you come, and for no reason, you start telling me you’re my friend. Oh, is that right?! (Carmela) Anthony jr., Get up! You owe me the fuckin’ explanation, and you know what I’m talking about. Well, remind me, tony, never to get sick again, huh? Remind me, please, never to have a serious illness, because, what you, and Silvio, and Paulie, and all you pricks, weakness could spread as fuckin’ treason! You know what? Fuck you! I don’t wanna hear about your fucking back anymore! Who’s your fucking boss, huh? Who’s your fucking boss? Who gets the explanation? What am I, supposed to trust you? You-fuckin’-off-the reservation-cocksucker! It was a broad, tony, it was complicated. My back was for shit, you knew that. I don’t wanna fuckin’ hear anymore about your back! That’s how we met. That’s why i was popping percacets like freaking juju’s! Anyway, my doctor, he prescribes this clinic for me, in puerto rico. I didn’t exactly object, tony, given the fuckin’ vibes around here. Go ahead, check. You don’t tell your wife you’re in the hospital? That twat brought on most of this. How? Listen, down there, I met this girl. 26, an acupuncturist. It was the only thing that fuckin’ really helped with my sciatic nerve. Anyway, one thing lead to another. You can’t send one feeler to me? I’m gonna trust you, Paulie? Take the word of a degenerate cop over me? (Carmela) tony, who are you talking to down there?! Jesus! (Door slams) so, why’d you come back, huh? What changed? Nothing changed, that’s the problem. I still got two kids in college, tony. One just got married, needs my help. I gotta start earnin’ again. I gotta get my action back. Oh, just like that? I came to you, tony, I’m in your hands. (Carmela) bring up two cases of bottled water with you! Come here. Come here, you fat fuck. Hey, my back, hey. I still gotta get these freaking shots. You fuckin’ beached whale. Hey, you wanna pat this down, too?! Come here. Come on. Don’t you ever pull shit like this again. So your uncle’s under indictment? 12 rico predicates. Who stepped up to run his crew? His piss boy, Philly Parisi. Oh, yeah, Philly.




(Female) Philly, don’t forget the pastries!

That’s my favorite bag, don’t lose it. Yo, Philly. Were you waiting long? Not bad. We were late landing, anyhow. Hey, thanks for doing this, Philly. Coming off the lam, every nickel counts. These fuckin’ cabs. So how’s Boston? Well, it was good to be back for a while, then, you know. Do i? That place is Scranton, with clams. So, what’s been going on? Same tale of woe. What the hell do i hear about tony soprano and his mother? Some kind of accident? He had her in a nursing home, you know? Get the fuck out of here. And this, upset junior, no end. And when junior come after him, tony went to the home, and tried to suffocate his own mother. Maybe you shouldn’t spread that rumor. That’s some ugly shit. I’m only telling you. Listen, you’d be fuckin’ amazed. There’s more? Ehh… No, what? He was seeing a psychiatrist. Tony? Fuckin’ broad from Montclair. Anyway, this, is who leads us now. (Philly) there you go, kid. There you go, you big mouth fuck!



(Phone ringing) it’s done.

Maybe she’s seeing someone. You know, the way I see you. If she were, she’d never tell me. I’m afraid we’ll have to stop now. When’s your office going to be finished? Oh, my new carpet’s not in yet. I’m sorry, i know this is awkward. My old therapist used to work out of his home. That’s not convenient for me. (Phone ringing) yes? It’s all over, it’s safe to go home now. How did you get this phone number? Where are you calling me from? Are you watching me?

(Broker) you know, from what you told me, Webistics would be perfect for your portfolio. I understand you’re on a fixed income, but, with Webistics, you could triple your money in a year. Uh-huh, yeah, 10, 12 months. What time is it? So, “e.F.”, I’m listening. It’s fuckin’ tedious, this shit. Well, you are the boss. And if it’s your executive decision to go down the shore, fuck it. Yeah. Yo, Matthew. I gotta take a meeting… Keep things in control here. Word up, later chief. I really shouldn’t be telling you this. The company’s Webistics. It’s the next Yahoo right now. We’re really only selling it to preferred clients. (Broker) yeah, American forestry, 19 and 1/2, up 3/8s, a very sound company. Uh-huh. (Broker) well, it depends on whether you wanna go for growth or value. We got hundreds of mutual funds you can choose from. Ahh! You’re supposed to push webistics! I was giving them alternatives. Webistics is our pick of the week. Why, it’s got a three million float, and their technology’s two years behind. Your stock’s a dog. Ahh! Hey, stop that! Hey, I’m still the manager here, this is unacceptable. Where’s Moltisanti? I’m gonna make a call if you don’t think i know who really runs this operation. Get back in your fuckin’ office. Anybody else got a problem with Webistics?





(Door opening) tony… Hey, counselor, how are you? How are you? Good. You look good, huh? Have a seat. You want a drink? No. Before we commence, a thousand thank yous for Webistics. I sold off some of my Disney to buy it. My pleasure. So, where do we stand this month? Your uncle’s petitioning to get out of jail on a medical pending trial. Let him. Neil thinks they’re liable to let him out. Maybe as a temptation for you to act, again. Since you are at the helm, it all gets back to putting up bigger blinds. Really limiting your exposure to potential RICO boo-boos. The only way to run a family these days is bunker style. You peer out through the slip. (Phone) excuse me. Yeah. You’re not gonna believe this. Your sister’s here. Barbara? Nope, Janice. You’re shitting me. Nope. I wonder what the scam is this time. Whatever it is, I’m gonna be five grand lighter before she rain dances back to the commune. Alright, tell her she can stay with us if she wants. Are you sure? Yeah. We’ll get Barbara and tom and the kids, and we’ll make a family reunion out of it. But obviously… Your mother isn’t welcome. Give Janice my love. See you later. My sister’s here from Seattle. Nice.


Where is he? Let me pinch those bulldog cheeks. Come over here. Puerto rico? Yeah. That water down there… You think you woulda shit some of this weight off! Did you tell him we were about to start crabbin’ the Hackensack river looking for him?! What the fuck’s the matter with you? Tony explained it. Listen to this. You heard about jimmy altieri? Yeah, flipped, fuckin’ asshole. He had two assholes when they buried him. So, all my money that was on the street, all those payments, I guess, just evaporated. We made your pick-ups, they’re ready and waiting for you. Thanks, paulie. I mean that, no shit. All those pricks paid up to the letter? A few things got lost in the confusion. I’m sure you can pitch it. We did the best we could with the information we had. The boss of the family deserves the credit right here. (Italian) salut. Salut.Salut. Salut. Hey, sil? What? “What.” I’ve been gone a long time, let me hear it. “Just when they thought I was out, “they pull me back in. “Alright, just this one time. I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.” “Is it true, Michael?” “No.” “You fuck!” “Our true enemy, has yet to reveal himself.” (Tony) he’s on a roll! I gotta get the fuck out of here. Oh, tony, I hate to ruin the party. I got a call from loiaco down at brokerage. Fuckin’ chip and dale sent one the brokers to the emergency room. Oh, fuck me, these kids! My fuckin’ nephew, right? You call him, and you tell him i wanna see him right away. It all checks out. Puerto rico, the clinic. All that shit from what i can tell.



How was the guest bed, did you sleep alright? Great. Except, usually i bring my own pillow, ergonomic, it got ripped off at the bus stop in rapid city. (Tony) linoleum’s not good enough for you to sleep on no more? Look who decides to join us, my little brother. (Tony) how you doing kid? (A.J.) Parvati. I’m her brother, I get a pass. You look good, you look… Like a teenager. My therapist says I’m regressing. Oh, your therapist, who pays for that? The state of Washington. Total disability. Oh, yeah, the Epstein-Barr. Was, chronic carpal tunnel from my last job, the steamed milk machine, no worse pain. Hey, I stayed up waiting for you, when’d you get in? Late, morning. (Sniffing) what the fuck is that smell? Miso soup, it’s seaweed. She’s been telling us all about Seattle. If i see those grunge pants on you, you’ll be on the ground looking up. Dad, how do you stay so hip? I’ll be back in a sec. And don’t let your father near my soup. He makes fun, but before noon, he’ll eat anything that’s not locked away. You don’t see your sister for years, right away you start in on her diet? Hey, believe me, she gives as good as she gets. Give me a hit off that. Oh, who’s in charge here? You look sensational, Janice, really. Not a line. Two beautiful kids, you must be proud. Yeah, yeah, how ’bout that, huh? Even with our genes. So, you still with that, uh, Adolph? Rolf. No. Rolf went back to Andorra. You seem good, mood-wise. Yeah, things are very good nowadays. So, how are things really, with ma? She’s dead to me. I don’t wanna get in your way here, tony. You’re the one who stayed, you took the brunt. Barbara and I, we’re never gonna forget that. Well, you forgot it okay for about 20 years. At least Barb pitched in. I know i made my share of mistakes. But, ma can’t stay in the hospital forever. Let me tell you something about this stroke of hers, and I got this from a doctor. It’s called a conversion reaction. It’s a big fuckin’ opera brought on by repressed rage. It’s bullshit. There was no whatever the fuck. But they also said the symptoms are the same as a stroke, so the results is the same, she cannot take care of herself. She’s on the lam in that fuckin’ hospital, from me. Well, who did what to who, it’s not my business. All I know is mom is bewildered by all of this. I mention you, her eyes fill up with tears. Oh, boy. I’m not asking you to step in, tony. It’s my turn now, that’s why i came. She’s a streg’, she’s the devil. She was. Now, she’s just a confused, frightened, old woman. So, look, all I need is a coupla hundred bucks to fix her car so i can get back and forth to the hospital. Then I’ll take her home to Seattle. Maybe, stay at her house here temporarily. Oh, I doubt that. I just put her house on the market. Oh. Look… … I’m glad you’re here, okay? You wanna play Florence Nightingale, that’s your choice. Only this is the last time we mention her in this house. Okay.




Hey, t! Seven and seven over here. Whoa, whoa, what’s the matter now? What’s the matter? I got a call from loiaco down at the brokerage. Your two friends beat the shit out of a broker. Two others quit. The guy was pushing some other stock. It attracts negative attention. Then the two fucks rip off a Porsche Carrera from our own building. I’ll call them. No, you’ll go down there, now. What did you get your license for, Christopher, your resume, huh? I’ve been telling you, spend more time down at the brokerage. You’re the fuckin’ SEC compliance officer for christ’s sake. You gotta exercise impulse control. Okay, tony. I’m sorry. Okay, alright.

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